.1 cup water
.1 teaspoon salt
.1 cup sugar
.1 teaspoon brown sugar
.4 large eggs
.2 cups dried fruit
.1 teaspoon baking soda
.1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level
cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in
a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the
whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and
add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck between the beaterers, pry it loose with a
screwdriver. Sample the whiskey to check for nonsisticity. Next sift 2
cups salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350
degrees. Don't forget to beat the turner. Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?