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When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
--Jeff Foxworthy

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry


Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger


My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
--Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
--Richard Jeni

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
--Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
--Jerry Seinfeld

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
--Warren Hutcherson

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
--A. Whitney Brown

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
--Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
- W. C. Fields

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